The Man In The Mirror
Last week I was casually chatting with someone online who I had just met and half way through the conversation I happened to reveal my sexuality. I was shocked by the reaction I received. Words like 'appalled' and phrases like 'makes me physically ill', were uttered in a way that I haven't experienced for many many years. Feelings of embarrassment, shame, confusion and finally anger flooded over me. Though I had just recently became acquainted with this person and didn't have a really intense emotional connection they were someone who I was eager to get to know better and develop a deeper friendship with. I was hurt in a way that is hard to explain if you haven't ever felt that type of discrimination first hand. My first reaction was to respond in anger and then a type of desperate shock and confusion as they started to back track with words about 'loving the sinner, but hating the sin'. I ended the conversation wishing this person well, but clearly dissolving any potential future interaction as we clearly didn't see eye to eye on our belief system. Then later this same day someone took issue with my spiritual beliefs as a medium and called into question my personal integrity. And yet another person that same evening made off-handed attacks on my business. Whoa!!! “What's going on here??” I started asking myself. Why is today, “Let's Attack Brian Day”! My knee-jerk reaction was to fight against the words that were being hurled at me, to figure out what I could do to stop these unwarranted attacks, but as I thought about it further I realized there must be something more going on within me that was drawing this energy to me. There was just too much manifestational evidence for it to just be coincidental.
So I started to think about what I might have done or been doing to bring on this energy in my life and suddenly it hit me. A week earlier I had been editing the video of my Language of Light session. In my mind I had been extremely critical of myself. I didn't like the way I looked, what I was wearing, how I sounded, even the intonation of my voice and the crazy animated hand gestures I was making. Who in the world would want to see or listen to that??? For several days I mentally beat myself up so distraught with how I ACTUALLY looked on camera as opposed to what I thought I looked like, sounded like, behaved like. It's no wonder I drew people forward into my life to attack me personally and give me evidence of how I was feeling personally inside!!! I talked to several friends who re-assured me that it was just these 'animated' aspects of who I am that they loved and that they are drawn to in me as a teacher and healer. And so through that personal understanding, and an even deeper recognition of my own fear to fully express myself, I realized part of the reason I was so distraught with my appearance is because I have done so much my entire life to hide and or change it. When I was younger I was always teased for being too effeminate, for being too loud or too animated, or overly excited about what I was experiencing in my life. So I worked hard to hide that, to soften myself, to masculinize my behavior. To man up my tone and how I looked. That judgment I felt from the outside I began to internalize until I made it my own. And now I'm recognizing how deeply ingrained that has become in me. Don't get me wrong, there's so many aspects of myself and my changes that I love and embrace fully, but I realize that many of my personal choices and self-judgments had nothing to do with me but were things that I took on from others. But that WAS ME! I made the choices to take that stuff on. And no matter how wrong or 'unjustified' the behaviors toward me might have been my reactions to them and how I responded or took them on were MY CHOICES, MY FEARS, MY INSECURITIES and they are now MY RESPONSIBILITY to adjust. The tendency becomes to want to blame the other and work on disconnecting ,or clearing, or attacking, or fixing the outside voices, the outside behavior, the outside conditions. But you have no control over the other. All your control lies WITHIN YOU! Only YOU can clear the hurt, the pain, the confusion, the sadness, the loneliness, the SELF-JUDGMENTS that exist within you. And once you do that you will start reflecting the beauty of who you are back again from the world around you. And the occasional person you bump into that is still struggling with their own self-judgments will no longer affect you when they go on the attack. Because you will know them, you will understand them, you will love them regardless. Because you were once them too.